We all have these people in our lives. You know, they push our buttons and elicit feelings in us such as frustration and annoyance. They are a source of distress. They are not our friends and they are certainly not in our inner circle. Our lives would be so much better if only ‘that person’ was not in it. (Un)fortunately, these people are our biggest teachers.
We are primed from a neurological point of view to categorise people into one of two categories as either a ‘friend’ or a ‘foe’. From an evolutionary perspective this served us well, it helped us survive. We evolved in small bands or tribes. It helped our survival if there was cooperation within the tribe and aggression was kept to those external to the tribe. The older parts of our brain still like to categorise the world in this way. On a deeper more subconscious level when we meet new people we are asking ourselves ‘are you part of my tribe and my friend or are you external to that which means that I should be on my guard?’. This was really useful when we lived in tribes but in today’s world this type of categorisation is a hindrance. It is a bug in the system!
The first step – loosen the grip that they have over you.
So how does understanding the brain’s need for categorisation help us to deal with difficult people? When we interact with someone that pushes our buttons the old part of our brain registers them as a threat and places that person in the ‘foe’ category. This makes it very difficult to see any good qualities in that person. This inability to see the good in them heightens our negative response to them. This becomes a vicious cycle. When our buttons are pushed we move into a state of stress (due to the threat) and we become frustrated and annoyed. There is a better way.
The first step in dealing with difficult people is to start to loosen the grip that they have on you. I am not saying that you have to invite them to dinner or spend any of your free time with them. You don’t even have to like them after this exercise. It’s just about loosening the grip and moving more towards neutrality (even just a bit) so that they don’t trigger as many intense emotions in you.
When you finish this exercise you may move towards neutrality or you may only move towards being open to the idea that they may have some good qualities. Each of these outcomes is perfect. Either outcome will put YOU in a much better position from which to deal with the situation.
You will be able to view the person in a more balanced way. Yes, they still have all of those qualities that caused you to go into a spin in the past, however they will not bother you as much, it will feel as if those ‘negative’ qualities have been diluted.
Now for the controversial part.
Think of someone in your life that pushes your buttons. Bring an image of that person to your mind. You already know what qualities you find challenging. Acknowledge those qualities and put them to one side. Acknowledge that you have spent an adequate amount of time reflecting on those qualities. Now focus on illuminating the ‘Good’ or ‘Favourable’ qualities that they have, and start asking yourself some questions like:
- What good qualities do they have?
- Are they a hard worker?
- Are they good to their children or spouse?
- When have they supported others in the way that they know how to?
- Are there people that feel joy in their presence? Why?
- What would their friends say about them?
- Why do you think that their friends like to spend time with them?
This exercise will broaden your perspective of them and allow you to see more of who they are. All you are doing is allowing yourself to be open to the idea that they also have some good or favourable qualities. I picture it as a dial in my mind and allow it to flick to the good or favourable qualities that I can see even momentarily. Any person is much more than the qualities that annoy you. Just as you are much more than the qualities that annoy them.
Be Prepared
Be prepared, the older parts of your brain will fight you on this. These parts are not hardwired to view the world in this way. They are primed to protect you and to help you survive. When resistance comes up at the start of this exercise (and in all likelihood it will) you can talk to and quieten these older parts of your brain. This internal dialogue would go something like this “thank-you brain for wanting to protect me….I can see what it is that you are trying to do. However, I would like you to help me to see this person in a more balanced way…that will help me to navigate this situation and achieve the best possible outcome for all concerned…can you help me to do that?”. By doing this you are acknowledging to the older parts of your brain that its job is complete and to allow the higher order cognitive functions to move into gear.
Now that I have told you how, let me tell you about the first time that I did this. The first time I did this I lasted 5 seconds. I told myself that I would do it in the future for everyone else but not for this particular person. They were the exception. They had absolutely no good qualities and they were the most frustrating person on the planet. Wow!!!! There was no way I was going to be able to do the exercise. This particular person had managed to really push my buttons much more than anyone had for years (they were a really good teacher!!). Then I started to talk to those parts of my brain that were trying to protect me. I acknowledged the protective older parts of my brain. As I did that it became safe for me to do the exercise.
I can tell you that it gets much easier over time. The brain is a muscle that needs to be exercised. We can use our mind to change our brains. This process is called self-directed neuroplasticity. Neurons that fire together wire together and you are literally hard wiring your capacity to see people in a more balanced way.
The gift in return besides having less turbulent emotions and putting yourself in the best possible position to navigate your life is that it allows you to be more accepting of yourself. Over time, you hardwire this capacity into your brain so that viewing people and the world in this way becomes habitual.
Take the time to loosen the grip that difficult people have over you. In the next blog I will look at ‘WHY’ they are able to trigger such strong responses in you in the first place.